Some of my personal training clients as well as I have struggled with this before. We want something badly, we want to be [insert profession], we want to be healthier, fitter, you name it. You might have experienced the same thing: it is called a dream! So how come that most of us don’t seem to live their dreams?
I see so many clients who are stuck in jobs they hate, live a life they despise or desire to change, or are with a partner that makes them unhappy. Why is it hard for us to take the next step sometimes?
Two factors play a role here:
- The What If...
- The "Inner Critic"
What if...
These two words are probably the most powerful words that have prevented talent and passion to come through in so many of us. They are the expression of potential failure, of fear of rejection and humiliation and more. What happens if I commit to what I want and I fail? How will I face it, how will I face other people?
Those two words are sending goose bumps down my arms (not my spine for some reason), because I know they have had their grip on me before! Nobody wants to face the possibility of failure. It is easier to stick with the things I know but don't like than to face the unknown and its potential for failure and embarrassment. But people that understand that you cannot mistake the results of your actions with who you are, can go beyond that. Just because you fail in doing something does not mean that you are a failure!
Will Smith once said:
"Greatness is not an elusive feature that only the special among us will ever taste. Its something that truly exists in all of us. Its achieved by knowing what you believe, and be willing to die for it. I know who I am, what I believe, and that’s all I need to know. Others can go and do what they need to do. Its simple."
I have seen people who take action and who struggle on the way but unerringly continue on their path and inspire others to do the same. At this point I am going to turn the what if around.
What if you succeed and you are making a positive impact, you are leaving a foot print in this world that others can aspire to? What if you could change something, help do something and other people are better off because of it?
Listen to me, when I tell you that you need to follow what you want to do not just for yourself but also for others!
The "Inner Critic"
Oh my, if other people sometimes could hear my inner voice raking me over the coals, they would tell it to shut up and be nice. Nobody is as mean to me as I am to myself. Nobody can hurt me as deeply as I myself! How many times have you told yourself that you are a failure? Remember what I said earlier about not mistaking the results of your actions with yourself? We are not a failure for trying something and not succeeding. If we act, we have done more than 90% of us!
That inner critic is a self protection mechanism! I know that sounds weird. That voice is mean and discouraging, telling me how bad I am and it is trying to protect me?
Yes, it is! By being mean to yourself first you take the hurt out of what other people might say to you. You were first, you see how bad you really are and punish yourself for it. Going into the origins of the inner critic would be a blog post in itself. Recent research in "Positive Psychology" indicates that it helps to talk to yourself (thank God I already do that...ah I guess they don't mean the thousand little voices...? I am digressing).
What the psychologists really mean in this context is the following: Every time you hear those voices come up, don't try to tune them out (I have a tendency to do that) but talk to yourself, be compassionate to yourself and express love to yourself. Here is an example out of my life:
In one of my recent meetings with my personal trainers I had talked about not using certain exercises because of their lack of functionality and low positive impact. One of my trainers pointed out that I came across as categorical and polarizing and asked me if this should not be a personal decision by the trainers depending on more factors than functionality but also impact on a client's feeling of success and personal capability depending on physical and psychological limitations.
I was like: "Crap, why am I doing this? He is right, I came across as too strong and what he said was basically what I meant! I am always like this. I always do this. God, why can I not stop being so categorical and cutting..."
I have learnt to identify my inner critic by recognizing key words like always, never, constantly, etc. My inner critic loves those words because they really make me feel small, tiny and like a failure.
Once I recognized what was happening I started talking to myself differently: "It is okay, most people have times when they are being categorical, you mean well, you just did not choose the right words. I am still a good person, I have a positive impact many times in my life, I am not only allowed to make mistakes but it is human, nobody can say the right thing all the time, every time."
I know this might sound like some soft psychology stuff to you, but I am telling you it works for me. I feel immediately better because I stop and realize that my intentions are good and that I simply made a mistake but that the mistake did not make me a mistake.
By disarming these two factors, the What If and the Inner Critic I am capable most of the time to get my inner chatter box ("stole" this name from Steve Furtick) to shut up, until the next time. I don't think it will ever go away completely but by being able to address it faster I am back to where I want to be and can go the way I choose, not the path chosen by my fears and inner critics.
Have an inspiring day,
Michael
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