I have gone through some major life changes in the past year. One of the things I have learnt during that time is that it is impossible to balance life. I try, I can do my very best but inevitably it will go one way or the other. I am talking about all aspects, fitness, spiritual, financial, emotional, you name it. At least that is how my life seems to go.
You might be at a different place but my life seems to be about one simple thing:
Losing and Regaining Balance
I have so many strings, responsibilities, etc. pulling on me that eventually my life leans more to one side or the other. I start beating myself up for the imbalance and then try and make my way back to the so-sought-after center.
But just when I think: "I made it. I can breathe" I tip over the other side. It seems to be a constant struggle.
The hardest part for me is to acknowledge is that this is normal, that tipping from one side to the other is the normal flow of life. I can fight it with all my strength or accept that things will always be slightly or largely out of whack.
Stop Struggling?
I think it is not so much that we should stop finding a center, a balance, but rather accept that that particular center is balancing on a razor’s edge and goes back and forth in a natural rhythm. We have compassion for other people’s struggles but are so harsh when it comes to ourselves. Don’t get me wrong. This is not an excuse to forego our responsibility for our choices and actions may they be food, work, fitness related or otherwise. But we sometimes mistake responsibility for guilt. Those are two very different things. One of the definitions that comes up when googling those two terms is the following:
Responsibility:
- “the state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something.
- the opportunity or ability to act independently and make decisions without authorization.”
Guilt is defined as follows:
- “the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime.
- make (someone) feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something.”
Now obviously not everything being quoted or found on the internet is true, unless it is about me and 100% positive. But let’s just go with these two definitions.
Be accountable
Well, there is nothing wrong in my book with being accountable. I am going to skip the blaming part because that has not helped anyone. But being accountable is a good thing. It gives me the power and the authority to do the second part of the definition:
Acting independently on what I am actually accountable for. I might not have the power to control all aspects of my life (weather, feelings, other people, etc.) but I am response-able. I am able to respond within the limits of my environment, knowledge and emotions.
Guilt
Guilt is distributed by society and people based on laws, rules or social norms. We all have felt guilty or have made other people feel guilty. (Remember the look that you gave your spouse for not bringing out the trash, or smoking the cigarette she said she would not touch anymore?). So if you have done it and are guilty--and I have and everyone else has--what does that really mean? Nothing! It means absolutely nothing except that you are human...that you made the best possible decision at the time and that someone disagreed with it.
The Past
Can you change the past? Hell no! Not unless you have a DeLorean (Back To the Future, if you don’t know the reference). And who says that your circumstances would not turn into the same ones you faced prior and you would just do it all over again?
So, we cannot change the past but what we do really well, is dwell on it. I can tell you I am great at that.
But that is not what the past is for. The past is only good for one thing: it enables you to take responsibility for it and move on. All guilt does is making you feel bad for past behavior that you cannot change anyway. Secondly, whatever choices you made in the past, you most likely made them based on your then current knowledge and emotions. You made the best choice possible for you at the time. I sure did not go ahead and said. “Hm how the f*** can I make my life as hard and complicated as possible within the shortest period of time!”
I am not the most bible-proof person but I do like this quote out of John 8:7
“So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her”.
That pretty much sums it up. Instead of beating myself or anyone else up, I want to hire a clean-up crew instead and work on myself and my problems with compassion and love...knowing that everyone else is just as messed up as I am.
Again, this is not an excuse for bad choices but is just a way of moving forward. Now that you have experienced the consequences of your decision, you might know better, you feel differently about something and it allows you to grow and move into a different direction. Good for you! You did not have that knowledge or emotional maturity before you made this decision. You have learnt, you have grown as a human being. This is something that should be celebrated.
Do you see where I am coming from? You are who you are because of the things you experience, do, feel and know. You are a result of not just the good things in your life but also the terrible. Those terrible things, though, have not just caused damage but also might have made you into a more compassionate person, or caring and giving person, health oriented person, or affected others in positive ways.
This approach allows me to forgive me for my mistakes by realizing that they are not mistakes but life happening and moving forward. Nothing is gained from dwelling on the past. We feel like we need to punish us for our mistakes and don't realize that we would never be that harsh with anyone else.
We already have accepted our responsibility but still hang on to the mistake. We need to realize that we all make those “bad decisions”. No matter how bad yours was. There are hundreds of thousands of people who made a similar one or worse. We are human. Our decisions are not always sound.
What would you tell a good friend? Would you really tell her that she should feel like crap and that she f***** up terribly? You probably would tell her that many people make mistakes like that and that it is time to move forward. Why can we not bring that same love and caring to ourselves?
It seems like there are two sets of rules: The ones that apply to us and the ones that apply to everyone else. By being hard on ourselves we protect ourselves by showing others that we don't need to be criticized by them because we are already punishing ourselves.
Screw the others! Let's face it! Most of the time we do the best we can! If we were really cognitively and emotionally capable to do better at the time, do you really think that you would not have done so?
Everything that we do shapes us, gives us the opportunity to learn something about the world, others and ourselves. If our lives were in balance 100% of the time we would stop learning, we would stop developing. We would stop being us.
Now what in the world has that to do with fitness?
This has turned into quite an article and I guess that is because I needed to do some major soul-cleansing myself here. Regardless this does have a lot to do with fitness. Fitness, looks, weight, body fat, those are all emotionally charged topics. Our outside is often a reflection of our inside. You might look at me and see a fit, healthy person but I might see someone who is obsessed with maintaining a certain amount of control over his life because other areas are falling apart and acting it out in my workouts. Someone might look at you and see someone who does not seem to give a da**n about their health when in reality you are struggling with anxiety, loneliness and stress and just trying to give yourself some sort of good feelings with a pint of ice cream each evening because the anxiety meds are not doing it.
It is so easy to judge someone when we have not done the thing that we should always consider first “never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their moccasins” (Native American Proverb).
Well thanks, but what now?
Now is the time to apply this to yourself realizing that a day, a week, or a month from now you will most likely forget having read this article and might turn to your old self-judgmental you. You might realize though that being self-critical is normal, that we all do it and that you are not alone. You might also realize that it is time come back to yourself and treat yourself with the love and compassion that you deserve. You might actually come back and read this article again.
This has been a very soul-cleansing experience for me. I have not realized how much I have been carrying around. I hope this was helpful to you as well, maybe you are going to do your own cleansing in a way that works best for you.
My takeaway is that no matter how well-intentioned I am, how much I care, people’s feelings can and will be hurt. What is important to me is that I am true to myself and learn how to forgive myself for things I have said or done that I am responsible for...guilty or not.
Have a wonderful rest of the day,
Michael
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